A
man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a
bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks
at him and says, "Single, huh?"
The man
smiles and asks, “How did you know?”
She replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."
Blossom
A
reverend was walking in a big city park, when he saw a perfect scene: a
blonde-haired blue-eyed little girl playing with her golden retriever.
"Hello,
little girl," he said. "What's your name?''
"My name is Blossom. My mommy was sitting under this very tree when she was
pregnant with me, when an apple blossom fell on her tummy. She said that it was
a sign from God, and if it was a girl, she would name her Blossom.''
''That's a really sweet story,'' the reverend replied. "What's your dog's
name?''
"Porky."
"That's an unusual name for a dog. Why is he called that?"
"He fucks pigs."
Man
or Wife?
A
nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a
cell with a huge guy with a big bulge. The cellmate says, "I wanna have
some sex. Are you gonna be the husband or the wife?"
The little
guy says, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be
the husband."
The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."
What’s
the Difference?
What's
the difference between a bowling ball and a prostitute?
You can
eat the bowling ball if you have to.
Ewwwwww
A
girl wants to borrow the car from her dad, so she goes up to him and asks,
"Dad can I borrow the car?"
He looks
at her and says, "Just as long as you give me a blowjob."
Since she really wants that car, she starts sucking. She comes up for air and
says, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit!"
The father replies, "Well your brother needed the car this morning."
Funny
Limmerick
A
man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling. His wife asks him what is so
funny.
''A
limerick I heard today at work. But I can't tell you,'' he says. ''It's too
dirty.''
''Don't worry, I've heard them all,'' she replies.
''I really can't, it's the dirtiest limerick that I have ever heard!''
''OK,'' his wife says. ''How about you tell it, but substitute the word 'beep'
in the place of the really dirty words.''
''Fine,'' he says. ''Here goes: Beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep beep, beep
beep-beep beep beep-beep beep beep. Beep-beep beep beep beep, beep-beep beep
beep beep, beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep fuck.''
Micky
and Minnie
Mickey
Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court.
"Mickey,"
the judge said, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of
insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."
"I didn't say she was insane!" exclaimed Mickey. "I said she was
fucking Goofy!"
Inappropriate
What's
green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
Lucky?
There's
a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice
says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las
Vegas.''
He ignores
the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell
your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.
''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his
house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the
plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette
tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red
23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black
17.
The voice says, ''Fuck.''
It’s
where?
Two
gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother
artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two
dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in
the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she
points out the happy child as theirs.
''Isn't it
wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so
happy.''
''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the
pacifier out of his ass.''
Hide
and go what?
Ken
and Bruce were very bored and very gay. Suddenly Bruce got a bright idea:
"Ken,
count to 100 and I'll go hide. If you can find me, I'll give you the best blow
job you've ever had!"
Ken asked, "But what if I can't find you?"
Bruce replied, "I'll be behind the couch, silly!"
It’s
funny cause it’s true
Q.
What is the definition of "making love?"
A:
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
It’s
funny and true
What's
the best part of a blowjob?
Ten
minutes of silence!
That
sucks
A
man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach
him. The first blonde says to him ''I bet you've never been hugged before.''
The
legless man shakes his head.
Then the second blonde says, ''I bet you've never been kissed before.'' The
legless man shakes his head again.
Then the third blonde says, ''I bet you've never been fucked before.''
The legless man says, "No."
The third blonde replies, ''Well you are now because the tide is coming in!'''
What
does a perverted parrot say?
Polly
want a rim job?
A
farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. He goes down the
road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says
"Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy, he'll service every
chicken you've got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster cost a lot
of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it, so he buys Randy.
The farmer
takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep
talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens
to service here and you cost me a lot of money. I need you to do a good job, so
take your time and have some fun!" the farmer said with a chuckle. Randy
seems to understand so the farmer points him toward the henhouse and Randy takes
off like a shot.
WHAM! He nails every hen in there THREE of FOUR times and the farmer is just
shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the
lake. WHAM. He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the
cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the
day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy
dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling
overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and
says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."
Randy opens one eye, winks and nods towards the sky and says, "Shhh,
they're getting closer."
How
do you get a nun pregnant?
Fuck
her.
A
nun was walking down the corridor when suddenly she trips up.
She yells
out in pain, "Oh Christ! Oh God, I said Christ! Oh shit, I said God! Oh,
fuck, I said shit! Oh, who wants to be a fucking nun anyway?"
A
woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed
testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of
the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid
that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've
never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side
effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,''
replied the lady.
A
woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.
After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which
the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her
shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the
pregnancy.''
''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I can still
mow the lawn.''
A
man went to the doctor to get a physical. After the doctor examined him, he told
the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.
The
man replied, '' Well, at least I don't have cancer.''
A
man was in the waiting room at the hospital, pacing the floor. His wife was
inside having their first child. After a while the doctor came out to talk to
the nervous father.
"Well, your baby is here. It's a boy. And guess what? He can fly!" The
doctor let go of the baby and it hit the floor with a SMACK. The father was
irrate. The doctor calmed him down
"Don't worry, I'm a doctor. I know what I'm doing. Your baby really can
fly. Watch." Again, the doctor picked up the baby, and this time tossed it
across the room. Again, the baby hit the floor with a hard SMACK. The father was
just about ready to kill the doctor.
"You idiot! You're going to kill my baby!"
"Don't worry. He just needs to be scared a little." So the doctor took
the baby and held it out the third story window. The doctor let go of the baby
and it hit the sidewalk below with a sickening SPLAT. The father was beside
himself with anger.
"You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna kill you!"
"Hey, don't worry! I'm just joking with you. Your baby was stillborn."
How
thoughtful
Dad
always thought laughter was the best medicine.
I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Brittany
was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.
She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't
worry now darling, just rest."
"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I
die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."
"Don't worry about it, sweetie." replied Adam as he wiped the tears
from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
A
woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and
blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat
near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was
agitated and
asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult
passengers. He could be fired for that."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give
him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your
monkey."
Who’s
there?
A
man was relaxing with his evening paper, when there was a knock on the door. He
opened it, and saw nobody, so he closed the door and went back to his paper.
There was another knock, so he opened the door again. This time, he looked down
and saw a small snail.
"Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail said. The man picked
up the snail, threw him into the bushes, and went back to reading.
A year later, there was another knock at the door. It was the snail.
"What'd
you do that for?"
Nancy's Goldfish
Little
Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the
fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then
replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
What's Better?
What is better than winning gold at the Para-Olympics?
Walking.
Hitler's
Sobriety
Q.
Why didn't Hitler drink tequila?
A. Cause it made him mean.
Ah,
Feminism
Q:
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two
guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going
straight down into the ground.
"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"
"I dunno," said the second.
"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole.
They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.
"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a
watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but
didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw
down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped
down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked
between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.
While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up
the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.
"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up
and jumped down this hole."
"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my
goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad
tie."
The Big Mean Yellow Dog
Once
a man walked into a bar and sat down at a booth.
Eventually, he and another man got into an argument about whose dog could whoop
the other dog.
The man said, "Let's have a fight out back.''
''Okay'' said the other.
When they got their dogs, one man opened a case and brought out a 12 inch long
yellow dog.
That dog proceeded to kill every other dog in town.
When one man asked, ''Where did you get that dog?'' the man said, ''Well, before
I cut its tail off and painted it yellow, it was an alligator."
Yet another Hellen Keller joke
Why
can’t Hellen Keller drive?
What’s
brown and stickly
These
three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a
party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew
chunks.''
The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was
driving home and I got my DWI.''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was
driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''
Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't
understand! Chunks is my dog!"
The Magical Chicken
A
guy has a chicken that lays an egg every morning just for him.
One day he wakes up and sees that the chicken has laid his egg in the
neighbor’s lawn.
The man goes out to get it, but before he reaches the egg, the neighbor
picks it up.
The man says, “Hey that’s my egg.”
The neighbor replies, “well it’s on my lawn, so it’s my egg.”
The man says, “We have a way of settling this back where I’m from.
We each put on our heaviest set of boots and kick the other in the nuts
as hard as we can.
The person who takes the least amount of time to get back to his feet
wins.”
The neighbor agrees to this contest, and both go to get their steel toed
boots.
The man gets to go first (After all, it is his chicken).
He backs up and takes a running start, kicking his neighbor squarely in
the nut sac.
He keels over in pain and lays on the ground writhing in agony.
It takes him 30 minutes to get to his feet.
“allright, now it’s my turn.”
The man turns and walks away, “No that’s ok, you can keep the egg.”
Thump!
Why
did the little girl fall off the swing?
Why
would you do that?
How do you make a baby drink?
One shot vodka, one baby, mix it in the blender.
Pick
up sticks
What's the best way to pick up a cat?
With a pitchfork
John, Paul, George and Ringo
What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two more bullets.
What's black, white...
What's black, white, red all over, and doesn't fit through revolving doors?
A nun with a spear through her head.
Found you
What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
The hide and seek champion of 1995.
Hooray!
Why was Frosty smiling?
He saw the snowblower coming.
69
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53
-- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”
Cannibal
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the
other day?
The Pirate
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be
imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few
months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and
fear losing the battle."
"That's very sensible, sir."
At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The
captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
Ah, Democracy
What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and George W.
Bush?
Hitler was elected.
What's the diff?
What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, and Michael Jackson fucks little
boys.
Yes, it does work
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
Suck its dick.
Good Observational Skills
How do you know that your brother is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
Good Observational Skills Part II
How do you know that your sister is on her period?
Your brother's dick tastes like blood.
GOT
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