December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm very happy to inform all of you that the company Christmas
Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's
Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional
carols...feel free to sing along. And... don't be surprised if our CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange
of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday
that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this
year).
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanza at this time. There will, however, be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols sung in deferance to our friends.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the rather nasty anonymous note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the
table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. HELLO!!!.
Maybe you should drink anyway. For Christsakes its only eggnog!! In
addition,
forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union
members feel that $10 is too much money. I think that
stinks but what do I know, go bark at the penny pinching shop steward.
Jesus what a cheapskate.
Seasons's Greetings
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
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December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
OK here's the latest on this damn party...I've arranged for members of
Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet. Do you
want bigger chairs too???? The pregnant women can sit closest to the
restrooms. Jesus, get a life people, You are starting to irritate me.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other which is fine by me, they can
sit in alternating chairs. Lesbians, and you know who you are, do not
have to sit with the gay men...which makes no sense anyway.; each will
have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's
table. Happy now? There will be no heterosexual table signs...so you better
know who your sitting next too. The transvestites are on your own.
Merry XMass
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
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December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people, listen up!!..--nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our
CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
All you reformed Christians and other fundamentalists can stop sending me
the little prayer books and such..Get over it...Jesus Christ, get a life
already.
Patty Lewis
Human Retard Director
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December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
All right this is it...Vegetarians--I've had it with you screwed up
people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit BBQ whether you
like it or not, THATS RIGHT...BBQ, ripped, torn flesh, sinew and bones,
slowly roasted over a fire till the flesh is ready to slither on down my
carnivorous throat...My drool pumps are going like hell just thinking about
it..I can hear the flesh sizzle as we speak. You bovine herbivores can just
sit your grass eatin' ass at the table farthest from the "grisly grill of
death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic
tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now, They bleed
like pigs too..hahahaha... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten fucking holiday
you whiny bunch of pricks! Drive drunk and fuckin die, you sanctimonious
motherfuckers...you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
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December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her
at the sanitarium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director