How to Rate a Hangover
1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep
last night was a mere disco
nap which has given you a whole lot of misplaced
energy. Be glad that you
are able to function relatively well. However,
you are still parched. You
can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You
are craving a steak sub and
a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You
may look okay but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee
you are chugging is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving
a fruity pancake from
Waffle House. There is some definite havoc being
wrecked upon your bowels.
3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are
definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her
perfume remind! s you of the
random gin shots you did with your alcoholic
friends after the bouncer 86'd
you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now
if you were in your bed with
a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E!
fashion awards. You've had
4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Iced Teas
and a diet coke yet you
haven't peed once. You decide the Havana Omelet
you are going to leave in
the bathroom is better done on another floor, so
you don't have to walk by
and smell it the rest of the day.
4 star hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't
speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you
for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial
spot shaving, (girls, it
looks like you put your make-up on while riding
the bumper cars.) Your eyes
look like one big vein and your hair style makes
you look like a reject from
the class picture of Revere High, '76. Your
sphincter is in perpetual spasm,
and the first of about 5 shits you take during
the day makes the eyes water
of everyone who enters the bathroom.
5 star hangover,(*****) aka "Dante's 4th
Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is
actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor
is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste
crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to
get the remnants of the poop
fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue
is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right
now. You definitely don't
remember who you were with, where you were, what
you drank, and why there is
a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your
otherwise empty house. Any
attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like
discharge of alcohol scented
fluid with a rare 'floater' throw! n in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater'
seems to be to splash the toilet water all over
your ass.
6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the
"Infinite Nutsmacker"
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2
seconds you look at the
ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling
on your cheek is the
bathroom tile, or your vomit from 3 hours ago. It
is amazing how your
roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed
to get up before you;
shower and already leave for work. You try to
lift your head. Not an option.
Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly
and smell the funk of 13
packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you
realize you were smoking, but
not ultra lights...some jackass handed you
Marlboro reds, and you smoked
them like it was your second full time job. You
look in the mirror only to
see remnants of the stamp "Ready to
Rock" clearly on your cheek.......the
stamp on the back of your hand has appeared on
your face! by what is known
as 'Jagermeister magic. You have to be to work in
t-minus 14 minutes and 32
seconds and the only thing you can think of
hearing is your "hello kitty"
pajamas and your slippers. Any attempt at
emptying your bowels results in a
gag inducing ass spray which you are positive has
the ability to etch
porcelain. The only thing that sounds worse than
remaining on the foul
stench throne is leaving before you're finished;
which could take 5 minutes
or an hour and a half.